December 15th

Trump has announced his brand new product- the “Golden Gas.” The “Golden Gas” is his farts, plated in 24k gold, sealed in a jar. He said that the farts are plated using “Republican Energy.” He specifically requested that Republican Energy would be written in red. You can (but shouldn’t) buy 1 for $199.99, or 2 for $1,999,999.99.

December 16th

Donald Trump, United States president has signed an executive order saying everyone has to be his friend. His reasoning is “In many ways, when I asked mom if I could have a sleep over at JD Vance’s house, she said no because JD Vance’s mom said that JD Vance said that he’s not my best friend anymore and that Elon Musk is his new best friend. So, as a strategic counter, I will be enforcing a new law- everyone has to be my best friend all of the time.”

December 16th

Donald Trump has said that he doesn’t believe in the Deja Vu effect. He was giving a speech at the white house, when he said ‘...and Deja Vu— that’s not real. I’ve got this strange feeling that somebody has asked me this before, in many ways. It’s a made up effect. People say that they think they’ve seen things before, but they couldn’t have. Well I think that’s malarkey. I feel that there are many ways that I have seen many things, and then I saw them again.”

December 17th

Trump has said that “Many, many people, multiple people, have told me that I have a cognitive decline. Well I say, they’re right. Nobody has cognitive decline as good as mine. I have the best one. Better than Sleepy Joe’s and Mitch McConnels combined. Mine is the fastest and the best. It’s part of my Make America Grape Again movement, because my cognitive decline is graper than anyone else’s. I’ll even sue Smuckers for using 100% grape extract, because before my term is over, America will be 500, no, 800, no 1500% grape extract!”

December 18th

Due to the tariffs and high inflation, the previously on average $1.39 oranges are now on average $7.34, with a staggering 528 percent increase. Many have advised taking seeds from any oranges you do buy and planting them in your backyard. This will form a sapling after about 3 months that will begin producing oranges for significantly cheaper. The only cost to this method is water and your- The president interrupted, “Hey, not to break the fourth wall, if there ever was one, but this issue is supposed to be mocking ME! Not oranges!”

December 19th

“In many ways, many, many people have said that The Being is eating the white house, and that I and everyone there should- GWFHMNHAAHGHG.”, said the president. “As I was trying to say, before I was rudely interrupted by The Being trying to- I mean a person trying to strangle- wait- uhh- I was coughing! Anyways, The Being is a myth, it doesn’t exist and it wont–”, said the president, before promptly being eaten alive by The Being