Week 17 (Ends in March)

National Weather Service says to just forget about Rhode Island

February 23rd

Following recent severe snow storms in Rhode Island, breaking the snow inches record set for the state by The Blizzard of ‘78, the National Weather service has advised residents of neighboring states Massachusets and Connecticut to “Just forget about Rhode Island.” The state received 84 inches of snow on Sunday Night, and is expected to receive 109 more on Tuesday.

Klūlwerzgim, giant monster uses crowbar to lift entire country of Egypt

February 26th

Klūlwerzgim (klool-werz-ghimm/klulwɚzgɪm), a giant monster, was seen using an appropriately sized crowbar to lift up the entirety of the country of Egypt. From 2:01-2:03AM EST, the monster struggled to lift the country off the ground. Once it was done, he quickly tossed a mysterious object under it, and put it back into place, before tiptoeing away. Klūlwerzgim, as he was tiptoeing back to wherever his home may be, was caught, and interrogated. Before the interrogation even began he said “I did not put a Whoopie Cushion under it, because I don’t want it so that when enough people are in the country, a giant fart sound happens.” Insurance Companies, in a very rare, only twice ever documented case in history, have been found showing compassion for those effected. Just like the sponsor of this week, Retsnom and Co. Normal and Legal and Fine insurance. Retsnom and Co. will pay for: medical bills if you got hit by the crowbar, rescue if you accidentally got trapped under Egypt, or fell into Lybia when your country was at a titled angle, or any other damages caused by this catastrophic event. The best part? It’s only, on average $400 a year.