National Weather Service says to just forget about Rhode Island
February 23rd
Following recent severe snow storms in Rhode Island, breaking the snow inches record set for the state by The Blizzard of ‘78, the National Weather service has advised residents of neighboring states Massachusets and Connecticut to “Just forget about Rhode Island.” The state received 84 inches of snow on Sunday Night, and is expected to receive 109 more on Tuesday.
24/2/26 Trump says he won’t accept results of Winter Olympics unless he wins gold, all categories.
That’s the wrong Georgia. Don’t put that picture there. And don’t caption it with my request.
25/2/26 State of Georgia bans soft G sounds (eg, Giraffe). State name spelled the same, now pronounced “Gor-guh”
Klūlwerzgim, giant monster uses crowbar to lift entire country of Egypt
February 26th
Klūlwerzgim (klool-werz-ghimm/klulwɚzgɪm), a giant monster, was seen using an appropriately sized crowbar to lift up the entirety of the country of Egypt. From 2:01-2:03AM EST, the monster struggled to lift the country off the ground. Once it was done, he quickly tossed a mysterious object under it, and put it back into place, before tiptoeing away. Klūlwerzgim, as he was tiptoeing back to wherever his home may be, was caught, and interrogated. Before the interrogation even began he said “I did not put a Whoopie Cushion under it, because I don’t want it so that when enough people are in the country, a giant fart sound happens.” Insurance Companies, in a very rare, only twice ever documented case in history, have been found showing compassion for those effected. Just like the sponsor of this week, Retsnom and Co. Normal and Legal and Fine insurance. Retsnom and Co. will pay for: medical bills if you got hit by the crowbar, rescue if you accidentally got trapped under Egypt, or fell into Lybia when your country was at a titled angle, or any other damages caused by this catastrophic event. The best part? It’s only, on average $400 a year.
Shrimp-Man’s daughter has also become a superhero (or villain!)
February 27th
Thomas Green’s (aka “Shrimp Man” ) daughter, Blue Green has fell into a vat of shrimp blood mixed with blue lobster urine that scientists are calling “magic juice.” She was stuck for 8 hours when she gained the strength to open the lid. Some people say that the scientists put her there intentionally, but others say she was just helping and accidentally fell in. The press have given her the nickname “Prawn Girl”, to go with the Shrimp-Man naming scheme. The reason for the vat to be created remains a mystery, but the fact it has is certain.
3/2/26 Missile strikes pattern reveals Trump asking Iran to prom.
3/3/26 Trump begs, “Please just ONE more war”
4/4/26 HEARTBREAKING: Forget about starving children, most billionaires, including Jeff Bezos have only 218 (and some times even less) yachts. How can they even survive?
Happy 214th Bitrhday to The Daily Lemon
March 5th
Today, The Daily Lemon celebrates it’s 214th anniversary of it’s first issue in 1812. From humble beginnings releasing issues every day (Issues -7843 to -1), to the worlds largest and most reliable news (Since 1897) , we thank you, for helping us thrive for such a long time. Buy a 214th Cake on tdlemon.com for just $5.99 and show up to the headquarters in Prague, Czechia for the party tomorrow. Barack Obama will be there, you know….
Try Happy Harry’s Car Wash! Play carnival games, with your car, in your car! It’s not optional! Get a number spray painted underneath your car, sit in a pool with ten others, and have a giant robot try to guess which one has a 10 under it! If that’s not your thing, you can get rolled into a ball and thrown into a hole! 1 in 5 cars make it out perfectly fine!
Trump to declare war without congressional approval on 250 countries for 250th anniversary of United States
March 6th
To celebrate the upcoming 250th anniversary of The United States, Trump has revealed that at midnight, on that day, he will declare war on 250 countries without congressional approval. This may be difficult, because, depending on who you ask, there are only 180-225 countries, not 250. It is speculated he may count bases in Antarctica and some US states as separate countries.