Week 18

“Everything is fine, nothing is ruined, stop complaining right now,” says murder ICE director Todd Lyons

9th March

Following recent revelations that the United States Government may start tracking you if you post anti-ICE statements on social media, the public is fuming. However, ICE director Todd Lyons has said “Everything is fine, nothing is ruined, stop complaining right now.” Lyons continued, “If you keep complaining, I will more intensely track you. Everything is normal, and fine. It is sunshine and rainbows. Believe me RIGHT now.”

Safety meeting ends with an accident

9th March

Splintered floorboards have been a problem in the city of Vienna in Austria (with reasons still unknown) and at a local train company, OBB safety meeting about this problem the splinters there mysteriously began rising and curling into the attendants shoes, making it so they could’nt get up.

10/3/26

AI is absolutely great at everything, AI generated unbiased experts say.

THE LEMON REVIEWS: The Mario Galaxy Movie (2026):

I don’t know, it’s not out yet, and therefore, I haven’t seen it, and don’t know the quality.

11/3/26

NYT #1 best seller award goes to absolutely every book ever, all 208 million of them. This includes books yet unpublished, and ones to never be published.

Economists warn, Daylight Savings Time may be cut due to inflation

12th March

High-level Economists across the United States have warned that, because of recent tariffs and inflation rising, Daylight Savings Time may be reduced. To elaborate, Daylight Savings Time usually changes the time by 1 hour, exactly, at 2am, but, due to high costs, next year, and potentially years latter, the change will be reduced by 25 minutes. This will make the new changing time 35 minutes. So, while on the day of Daylight Savings, it normally jumps from 1:59 AM to 3:00 AM, it will now jump from 1:59 AM to 2:35 AM. You may only lose 35 minutes of sleep instead of 1 hour. Many have complained that they are used to having a major inconvenience and would rather have that than a minor inconvenience. Some even say potential extra taxes will be worth it to cause more inconveniences to themselves.

THE LEMON RECIPES: A Sloggnackish, a local delicacy in Fairfax, Virginia

13th March

Today we try a Sloggnackish, a local delicacy in Fairfax. To make it, mix 3 parts each of lemon zest, lemon juice, vinegar, cottage cheese, and 1 part of minced meat of any unconventional kind. Bake it in the oven at 150F (65C) for 10 minutes. This will be just enough to make it firm, but still slimy and soft. Once out of the oven, it is traditional to have somebody launch it from a catapult on to your face. Its color should be a light greenish-yellow, and the texture should be like stale tofu. It’s really good on a burger, you should try it.

Try the new Senate Official Board Game! Try to get the least stuff done in 1 hour! Start fillibusters, ask stupid questions, or just straight up leave the room!

Page updated

Google Sites

Report abuse