September (Week 27)

Trump Bans Ghosts From White House

September 22

Donald Trump, the president of the United States, has signed an executive order banning ghosts from entering the White House. It also bans “vampires, werewolves, otherworldly creatures, spirits, dragons, and spiders of any kind” from entering the White House. Living pumpkins, mummies, and zombies are still allowed to enter but reports say that Trump is planning to ban them aswell. Trump says, “I’m not scared of ghosts at all, like the other presidents were. I’m not scared of them. That’s why I’m banning them. They’re not allowed.”

Italy Prime Minister Suggests Lemon Man, Shrimp-Man, and Supermanman Fight In Colosseum

September 28

Giorgia Meloni, the prime minister of Italy has suggested that Lemon Man, Shrimp Man, and Supermanman should fight in the colosseum. “We’re really trying to bring back the gladiator-core aesthetic fr,” Meloni said. 

If it does happen, it will be a tough fight. Shrimp-Man can summon bullets from thin air by clapping his hands. Lemon Man has powers that even we don’t know for sure what they are. Keep in mind, Shrimp-Man is a living shrimp. Not a food shrimp. Key difference. Supermanman’s abilities are that his head is a clock, he can snap his fingers to make his opponent stronger, and he can break clocks by looking at them. Also keep in mind that we still don’t know about Lemon Man’s origins. We still don’t know. He just showed up in 1812. It was scary. 

Anyways, who do YOU think will win? Shrimp-Man, Lemon Man, or Supermanman? Call 111-1111-1111-LEMON-114 with your answer for a chance to win a free popcorn blender!

News species of ancient human with long middle finger believed to be origin of rude hand gestures

September 29

A new species of human has been discovered in New Jersey. This species, dubbed the “Bird Man”, has a very long middle finger bone. Because of, you know, how things work, it is believed that the middle finger itself was also very long. It’s middle finger was likely so long so that they could show rude hand gestures at fellow Bird Men or animals that were minding their business from a distance. They likely hunted by yelling profanities at their prey until they or their prey died.  This discovery pushes the date of when rude gestures likely evolved to as much as 3 million years ago.