November 17th

Colossal Biosciences Scientists announce that they have altered genes of tomatoes to make them more aerodynamic and harder-hitting (when thrown). They have altered the fruit to grow in a shape similar to a football to achieve more distance, made juice more acidic so it is more “punchy”, and increased skin roughness. Therefore, when it does hit, it hurts even before the juice kicks in. They’re designed optimally for audiences to throw at disappointing performers. The main reason for the orange color is the increased citric acid, and the other reason is the red pigment being sparse. You can buy one tomato on the Colossal Biosciences website for $9.99, ten for $89.99, or a bag of four seeds for $29.99

November 17th

We are proud to announce that for the 150th time in a row, we have officially won the Least Website Errors award. The American Website Error Association put us as their winner in the news category and we are forever grateful. Thank you for helping us achieve reliable news since 1812

November 18th

The US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has raided a Californian wildlife center because it housed animals native to other countries, like the pictured Bengal Tiger and Galapagos Tortoise. The head of ICE has said “These animals are taking away jobs and resources from American animals. They don’t have passports, drivers liscenses, or even pay taxes, which is why they are being taken away and sent vack to where they came from.” Many have protested, because the animals were born in the United States, they just so happen to be of species not native to the US.

November 19th

A Texas meteorologist, Roneld Mekinny, who asked that we spell his name correctly, has been receiving hate mail for predicting extreme weather. A matter of days ago, he predicted a huge hurricane was to hit the coast of  Texas, but since then, he’s received dozens of hate emails and letters because of this. In addition, today, three things have happened regarding it. Firstly, he was fired. Secondly, the predicted hurricane arrived. Lastly, the hate mail has doubled in frequency since then. For example, at an interview, he confirmed that he received a letter that read “If you don’t stop predicting bad weather, dagnabbit!, then I’m gonna do something! Everybody knows that if you don’t predict it, it won’t happen.” This letter was “the most reasonable and least hateful mail I’ve received this week”, according to Ronild

November 20th

Traffic lights are an iconic staple of American inconvenience. Red, yellow, and green- it’s colors have become associated with acts of stopping, slowing, and accelerating, respectively. However, some Republican legislators, notably Mitch McConnel have advocated  for this being changed. They want the yellow and green lights to be replaced with white and blue lights, respectively, because “this is AMERICA!”. Mitch McConnel is quoted as saying “I’ve found a glaring issue in this country and it’s that people are not patriotic in the way they stop and go”

November 21st

On the sixth of this month, it was announced that there was to be a Rock, Paper, Scissors international tournament ith competitors from United States, United Kingdom, Canada, France, Germany, Poland, Russia, China, Japan, South Korea, Australia, New Zealand, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, and Jamaica. In the announcement it said that the winner would be revealed November 21st, which is today. As promised, the winner was revealed and it was Germany. Because they won, Germany’s player will get an equivalent of a $10,000 cash prize.