October 20th

On Saturday last week, I had the pleasure of witnessing an historic protest march at Rhode Island’s State House- the No Kings protest, which was a protest against President Donald Trump. I saw many clever and creative protest signs mocking the president, but that’s not the point. At the protest, there was somebody dressed as the iconic “Pikachu” character, protesting. Most people would assume that any “official” Pikachu would disapprove, but after the fact, I emailed Gamefreak, the studio behind all Pokemon, including Pikachu, about the situation.  I asked them their opinions, and, to my surprise, they responded saying, “Pikachu is officially anti-trump, as well as most other pokemon. The Pikachu cosplayer was sent by us and is official.”

October 21st

Only three days after Trump decided, without a given reason, that Shrimp-Man is an enemy of the United States, he has revealed how he is going to “effectively” stop him. For those that don’t know, Shrimp-Man is a man, who earlier this month ate radioactive shrimp from Walmart and gained the head and hands of a shrimp, and the ability to shoot bullets out of his hands. Trump says this new approach is “significantly more epic than just sending a bomb or millitia”. He has hired scientists to expose “volunteers” to high levels of radiation, which usually kills them, but sometimes makes them stronger. Today, he is proud to introduce the latest invention- Supermanman. Supermanman has a clock for a head and two superpowers. When he snaps his fingers, his opponent gets 25% stronger for 3 hours. And, when he looks at a clock, it shatters. Admittedly, this is a bit underwhelming, and it’s pretty unlikely he’ll ever beat Shrimp-Man, despite Trump’s ludicrous demands.

October 21st

Earlier today, we interviewed Arthur Butterchicken, the head of the anti-DHMO, a controversial organization protesting the use of DHMO (Dihydrogen Monoxide) chemicals in day to day use. This is a sensitive topic, and The Daily Lemon has no official stance on this. Butterchicken says “the FDA continues to allow, and even encourage, the use of Dihydrogen Monoxide in food and drinks. However, we at anti-DHMO advocate for the banning of DHMO. It’s one of the key components of acid rain, a key component in erosion, can damage cellphones when exposed, can cause severe burns, and over 90% of people who have ever consumed it in the history of the earth eventually died.” Please not we do not approve nor disapprove use of DHMO chemicals in day to day life and we recommend you do your own research on DHMO, also known as water. 

October 22nd

At the Large Hadron Collider in CERN, a scientist was minding her business at work. She had brought in a live lobster which she planned to cook at the facility for lunch. Her office was on the left side of the giant particle accelerator, so she had to walk through the machine to get to the her desk. She didn’t expect the machine to be on,  producing Dwarfesine, since it was before the machine’s normal operating hours. However, she was wrong, and both her and the lobster got hit with a Dwarfesine particle which was traveling at mach 8. Because of this, she and the lobster fused into a Dwarfesine abomination. Her entire body is now made of Dwarfesine. Even her blood, which is just liquid Dwarfesine. She also now has the antenna, face, claws, and armor of a lobster. She is now 24 short tons in weight, can regenerate almost any body part almost instantly (like a lobster), and can condense herself into a single Dwarfesine particle and undo this process at will. She now goes by “The Dwarfesine Lobster” .

October 23rd

Recently, numerous online vegan activists and vegan “influencers” have spoken out against the consumption of certain products. While we’re usually used to vegans speaking against meat, eggs, or dairy consuption, recently, they’ve taken a turn. First of all, many are speaking against the consumption of plants. “If you eat plants regularly,”, activist Jenna Smith said. “Then you are taking away food from starving pigs, horses, cows, et cetera.” Additionally, many activists are now saying that water consumption should have it’s limits. “If you drink water,” Smith said. “Then you are actively taking away homes from fish. It’s very important to make sure if you drink water, that it comes from a reservoir without plants or animals residing in it.

October 23rd

In the middle of writing a headline for this story, The Daily Lemon’s headline writer, who asked to be named and not be anonymous, vanished today with only his shoes as evidence of his former existence. The idea that he was abducted by aliens has spread online and we can confirm that this is not the case. However, there is still no explanation on what happened. We will have more on this story as it develops. This is not the first supernatural occurrence that has happened at the Lemon Office but it is only the second time that