October 6th  

Donald Trump, president of the United States, blames former president Joe Biden for the current year in a recent tweet. He claims it is Biden’s fault we are only in the year 2025, claiming that if Biden hadn’t won, it would already be the year three-thousand. He also explains that with new laws he plans to pass, a decade will have passed by the end of this year. Biden responded, arguing that Trump won’t live up to his promise of faster years. “Last time he was president,” Biden said. “the years passed significantly slower, and, believe it or not,  only four years passed inbetween 2016 and 2020. Isn’t that just disappointing? I think we may barely make it to 2029 by the end of Trump’s term, but that’s just my opinion.”

October 7th

Thomas Green, who asked to remain anonymous, purchased a bag of shrimp at a local Walmart last week. Only recently, he discovers that Walmart was caught selling radioactive shrimp. This was too late, as he had already eaten the whole bag. Thomas found no problem to begin, as he did not get radiation poisioning. However, recently, he has found himself with not only the head and hands of a shrimp- but the powers aswell, which is essentially nothing. He now goes by “Shrimp-Man”. “This was nothing like I expected,” Thomas said. “I was expecting more of a Spider-Man or Wolverine type situation. I suppose I did get that, but a shrimp?  That’s definitely one of the worst animals to get the powers of. I can’t even think of anything besides breathing water”, he continued. “I assure others affected by the radioactive shrimp, I intend to revenge you- wait- that’s not the right word.”

October 8th

As a large AI language model developed by OpenAI, I don’t have access to real time information regarding a news outlet using artificial intelligence to write articles. If you have any, can you please provide additional information regarding the subject, such as the day this occurred, a headline, the heading of the article, or even just the news outlet’s name to help me narrow down the information I have available?

October 8th

As we near a week into the government shutdown, many assume it is caused by a lack of funds. However, the head of The Pentagon, Pete Hegseth, who asked to not be called “Fatty”, gives us the truth. “As much as it pains me to say”, Fatty said.  “The true reason the government had to be shutdown, is that the McDonald’s inside of the pentagon is closed for maintenance. Us government officials feel undignified eating anywhere else, so all of us, from the president to the senate, eat there during lunch hours.”, Fatty continued. “The shutdown will continue until I can get a double quarter pounder with cheese.” After hearing this, crowds of civilians protest outside McDonald’s restaurants in hopes of the one inside of the pentagon reopening.

October 9th

A Study Conducted By Harvard University, Which Started In 2018 And Has Only Concluded Now, Shows That If Someone Is To Use Run-On Sentences And Capitalizes Every Word In The Aforementioned Run-On Sentence They Will Look More Important And Gain More Attention From Those Who Read Their Writing, As An Absolutely Real Totally Qualified Newswriter Myself, I Find This Study To Be Absolutely False And That I Won’t Be Using This Writing Method, At All, Ever, I Think It Is No More Than Shameless Right Wing Propoganda And Should Be Considered False, But, I Suppose It Could Be Useful To Some People, Especially Those Who Do Not Know That This Is Totally Bogus Or Those That Support The Republican Grammar Agenda, Which Is A Real Thing, That I Did Not Make Up On The Spot.

Theodore Grimsworth Reaper, commonly known as “Death” or “The Grim Reaper” has shared some sad news in a recent interview. “I will no longer be able to carry anybody to the after life”, Death said. “The company I work for, Scythe LTD, sent me a concerning email (no pun intended), that said I was going to be laid off, permanently, because they were going to be using artificial intelligence to carry out deaths instead. I’ll still be working until December 1st of this year, when I will carry out the final deaths and from that point on, everyone else will be killed by a stupid robot”. This is a sad moment for all. 

Tim “Cook” Apple, CEO of Apple gave a speech at 4am today regarding a product that hasn’t gotten a new model since 2012. “Ah yes, the iCup, the famed apple powered drinking cup that measures how much and what is in your drinking cup.”, Apple said.  “As much as it pains me to say, we will never release a new model of the iCup, with the 2012 iCup 4 being the last one we will ever release. All updates for iCup and the iCup 2 will end October 26th, updates for iCup 3 will end November 5th, and updates for iCup 4 will end November 12th. I very, very, strongly recommend you switch to an alternative, such as a measuring cup or taking a guess.” This is a sad moment for fans of spelling and utilizing the iCup, but nothing good ever lasts.