October 13th

An update to our previous story, on Thomas Green (AKA “Shrimp-Man”), a man who gained the head, hands, and powers (essentially nothing) after eating radioactive shrimp from Walmart, a few things have happened since we last saw him. First of all, he has made a logo and slogan for himself, as a prepares for fame. Second of all, his daughter, Blue Green, was tragically shot five times yesterday by an unknown person for an unknown reason.  Thankfully, she was sent immediately to the hospital room and doctors were able to heal her back to normal mysteriously quickly. We’ll have more on this tragic event as more information is released.

October 13th

Our iconic catchphrase, “America’s 2nd Best News Source”, is going to be retired starting the week of October 20-24. This is because we have received a letter from Nuise Riter (nooz right-er), the president of the National News Association of America (NNAoA), that we have reached the status of America’s best news source, as The Onion, who’s slogan was “America’s Finest News Source”, has halted production of real news and has switched to satirical news, demoting it to 5th place in the world of news.  Legally, The Onion has to change their slogan to something else. We are proud to have the title of America’s Best News Source. Thank you all for helping us continue making news since 1812.

October 14th

“Introducing the iCup 5, a remaster to the forgotten iCup, which hasn’t had a new model in over a decade. Innovative, Useful, and Durable. These are words that do not describe the iCup 5. This portable drinking vessel has 14GB of memory, a three hour battery life, and endless capabilities. Here’s how it works: Carefully pour any liquid into the vessel, and it will measure how much is in the vessel, use AI to analyze what the liquid is, and display the data on the 64 by 64 pixels screen. For the small price of $199.99, you too can have an iCup. Now there’s only one thing left to do. Spell iCup. Coming in colors of White, Light Grey, Medium Grey, Blue Grey, Orange Grey, Dark Blue Grey, Light Blue Grey, Grey, Gray, Dark Grey, and Black”, Tim “Cook” Apple said in the product showcase. 

October 15th

Thomas Green, commonly known as Shrimp-Man, has discovered that he has a strange super power in a very unfortunate way. Earlier this week, his four year old daughter, Blue Green, was putting on a cheap “Puppet Show” for her parents. After the show was over, to show respect, her parents gave a standing ovation. However, what Shrimp-Man didn’t know, is that whenever he claps his hands five bullets shoot out when the hands touch for each clap. The only reason he didn’t know of this power, is that he hadn’t clapped since the transformation. Unfortunately, as could be expected, a brigade of bullets flew out of his hand and quite a few hit his daughter. In a public announcement, the Green Family has unanimously decided to not press charges against Shrimp-Man. It is still a mystery where the power of shooting bullets out of his hands came from, as it doesn’t seem like something a shrimp would be able to do.

October 15th

Today, The Lemon has done an interview with the president of the United States, Donald Trump. We started the interview by asking him on his opinion of The Lemon. He said “In many ways, and in many, many ways, in a vast amount of ways, and in various ways and varieties, and in so many different ways, and in so many different varieties, I have never heard of The Lemon.” We then proceeded to ask him what he plans to do about the war in Israel. The president haughtily responded, dodging the question, “I know many people, many great people, the greatest people, the best people, the best politicians who will do their best to do whatever they can, with all of their great efforts, all of their power to stop the war in Israel.”. We tried to ask him something less politicial, but he walked out of the room, outside of  The Lemon Office, and as he walked out he started yelling “The Lemon is fake!” “The Lemon is fake!”. Of course, he is wrong, as we, The Daily Lemon can proudly say that we won the most reliable news source award one hundred and fifty-six years in a row, every year the award has existed. 

October 16th

A team of master physicists have found a way to make a brand-new element using a particle accelerator. It has been named “Dwarfesine”. Not only is this the first time scientists have invented a new metal, but this metal breaks three records in the world of metal. The first one- weight. Dwarfesine weighs three times as much as lead does, at over 20,000 pounds per cubic foot. The second one- durability. Dwarfesine is a third of the durability of gold, with a Mohs Scale rating of 2. The final record- price. Dwarfesine is more expensive than Rhodium (the most expensive naturally-occuring metal on earth), with costs being estimated at up to $9,000 for a single ounce of Dwarfesine. 

October 17th

Donald Trump, Pete Hegseth, and some random guy named Steve, all within hours of each other, each tweeted an identical stock image of a broken wooden clock in a dark room, with every single tweet captioned, “Shrimp-Man is an enemy of the United States”. This is very ominous, and raises questions about why Shrimp-Man is “an enemy”, what the broken clock symbolizes, and why the president is acting like he’s about to release a new movie. We’ll have more on this story as it develops.